how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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