my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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