his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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