Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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