i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
