Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i out mim tonsoeep
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize