Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
