On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
