so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
