Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
