Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
