There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
