What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
