Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
