Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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