I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You are the jesus of drinking
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
