he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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