and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize