Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
