i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
