My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
