the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
