the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
