Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
