Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I would fuck him just for his dog
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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