Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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