It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
