I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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