Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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