I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
