Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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