The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
