i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
me + whiskey = a bad person
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
