So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
