This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize