I looked at my own cervix.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
