My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How naked do you want me to be?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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