the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
