I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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