wanna go halves on a baby?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize