Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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