i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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