My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
