Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
