If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Randomize
