I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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