Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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