He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
