I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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