Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So here I am, sexting at work.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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