Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize