Can i not drive my cunt home
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
